When ignorance isn't just bliss

...It's religion.

This morning I woke up, only to find a brick thrown through my neighbor's (Chris) car. A smile appeared on my face as I was trying to piece this whole thing together...maybe his mama caught him with one of those little ho's that he has been kamataing over the last month or the old Latino woman (who by the way looks like she has been beaten by an ugly stick from birth...actually I wouldn't dispel any notions that would imply pre-natal beatings from the same stick...but anyway) that he had just started finyaing like a week ago. Fat, ugly and stupid this woman is...I mean, she has the I.Q. of a shoelace (I'm being lenient). So as I'm walking towards my car, just as I get to Chris's door, the door flings open and the mama steps out to get the mail and she sees the car and yells out Chris's name. Chris comes charging through the door, obviously pissed off that he had to wake up. He comes out of his hao and then his expression starts to change...more into that one when you get when you kwenda to remove your underwear and it pulls out some ball hairs coz they got tangled up together. I almost started to laugh at him, not coz of what had happened to him (but my heart wasn't exactly going out to him either) he's one annoying person at times...but that wasn't the reason. I wanted to laugh because the drool on his cheek at this point uncannily resembled the Nike symbol, so much you'd almost think he was renting out ad space to the company. So he goes over to his car, opens it up and removes the brick from the passenger side of the car. It has a note on it saying, "I told you you'd pay bitch". It was at this point that the smile on my face vanished like my check does right after I get it (stupid bills!). It took me all of five nano seconds to piece together what exactly had taken place here. I knew exactly who had done this...and more importantly why!

This whole thing began just a few months back...I had been seeing this girl (stick with me), fine as hell and freaky too. A mulatto who had pretty much locked down all the preferable traits from both races...and as I came to find out later on, some of the not-so-preferable ones as well. All the time that we had been seeing each other, to put it lightly, had made the other girls that I had had in my life seem like I had been shagging a hot frying pan or something...I mean the sex was so good, she almost drove me to tears once, just coz of how good it was...and not that I'd never had a girl from other races...I've had my fair share of them...but this one was something else...just freaky for no reason...but I liked it. At times she was even violent in bed...but in a good way. There's a time that I tried to even hepa from the bed (she wouldn't give me some time to rest) but she dragged me by the feet and put me back on the bed...I could go on and on...but we'll just say that I had the perfect balance between love and lust...well, maybe lust was a little bit more equal in this case than love...I'm not complaining. Anyhow, after a while...the girl started to hint that there's something that she would like us to try together...just to make the sexual experience that much better for us. I tried to find out what it was but she was unsure about it so she insisted on not telling me about it...and after a while...I kinda forgot about it. Then it happened, my brain decided it was high time it remembered something that had gone into that bottomless pit of forgetfulness that all exam material goes to right after I study for my exams...and of all the information it could spit out (it would have been nice if I could have remembered why at that particular point I was holding a pair of barbecue tongs knowing very well that I haven't cooked-not even as much as boiled an egg- in 4 years) I remembered that there was something sexual that my girl (now ex) had wanted to try out. For the life of me, I couldn't even begin to fathom what that would be, I mean, this girl had me toying around with the idea of writing a book that would probably give some competition to the Kamasutra. So I hauled ass, all horny to the room and sat right next to her. We started our whole mating dance and she started to get all worked up...and my mouth (this stupid little wretched thing) proceeded to fuck up one of the best things that had ever happened to me...ever! I told her, not even ask, I told her...today, whatever it is that you wanted to try out, we're going to do it. A smile appears on the girl's face...and I'm all hard...and si you know when Bwana John's up, there's been evidence that your thought process begins to suffer from temporary bouts of severe impediments, coz I swear, the only brain cell (assuming I have any that work right) that had clocked in to work that day was the not-so-mildly retarded one...it has full blown retardation (irreversible by the way), coz I swear I was thinking maybe she wants me to weka my shuma in her ear...don't even ask. So she grabs my tool and goes to work...and everything is going fine for a while as she's seriously going to work downtown. She does her usual routine...up and down the shaft...balls and all that....but I also started to notice that she was getting uncomfortably close to my asshole. I had once mentioned to her that I wasn't into that shit...and that all types of crack are bad for your teeth...and I had been serious too. After a couple of minutes, it happens...she actually does it...clips it once really fast and then another and then another...but she's been so nice to me...nothing this girl wouldn't do for me, so I semad...I'mma take one for the team and just let her do it. At this time she's busy going to town, shuma in hand and tongue... "elsewhere". I don't know what exactly the feeling is that I was feeling at the time, but it was somewhere in the middle of inescapable panic and very unmistakable delirium (very evident on my face at that point)...more evidence that that stupid little brain cell was working overtime to exceed every possible limit of face making by man and/or creature. At this point, I'm hard as a rock and I'm ready to go in and I politely let her know that if she doesn't put me in her at that very moment, it wouldn't matter which body part John found first, but if there was no hole there...at the end of it all, there would be one. She tells me to just be at little more patient and without even a shadow of a fight, I agree. she goes back to the butthole...and resumes to toss my salad like it was all that was on the menu today and she had just come from a vacation that had gone horribly wrong in Somalia. As I was exploring a new and wonderful (and I mean I was full of wonder...like I wonder whether I'm enjoying this or not...I wonder whether she knows I had just let one rip before I went into the room...yeah I know...eeewww...whatever!) world of never before attempted fuck faces (not that they were at this time) she spoke again...and it was what she said had culminated into what had happened to Chris's car today. What she said this time round wasn't the usual nasty bed talk that she has mastered so well as if she could go outside Jevanjee garden and preach it...no...what she said this time immediately made me start to blame that ka brain cell...remember it...yeah that one. I thought maybe I had heard wrong, then she said it again...louder this time...even implied that I knew that I wanted to....and proceeded to ask for it like she was asking for a soft loan and that she would pay me at the end of the week when she got her paycheck...mama asked me to straddle her chest and weka on her a nice hot steaming pile of you know what. John immediately took a nosedive as if I had fungad an anvil right on the tip...and I determined that he had fainted. Then I lifted up my head and looked at this girl as if she was the Hunchback of Notre-dame and her drooping eye was about to fall to the ground. And as if she had just told me about pretty flowers, she funguas her mouth and asks me "what is it?"...me at this time, I'm thinking that I need to call an exorcist and I look at the phone as I half expect her head to fanya a 360. I decided that that was indeed the devil and I was just about to tell him that he had done a good job of hiding it's tail and that he almost got me there...then she says..."it's ok baby...I just think that it's sooo sexy". Without even breaking stride, my brain, obviously still being led by Drill Sgt. Shit-For-Brains, I see our children practicing what their beloved parents taught them about sex...chasing down their poor sex partners wanting to take a dump on their chests...trying to convince them of how sexy they sure thought it was...then the black hole that is reality violently pulls me back and I see that this indeed wasn't a dream...the mama is lying down and puts her head back in anticipation of me peaing her a nice hot "present". How can this be sexy...the way sometimes I almost pass out when I go to the bathroom...I come out my eyes are watering...I start contemplating kulaing potpourri just so that next time I go to the bathroom it smells better...and she thinks that it's going to be sexy??? For crying out loud...my nose just filed a lawsuit against my ass...that's how bad it gets sometimes. By the way...I think all these things in about three seconds and I ambia the chick to bounce...no discussion...nothing. Now, you may say that that was drastic...but think about it...why be resented in a relationship for refusing to take a shit? Why have the source of tension in your relationship be a #2? Why have your mama go cheating on you and come home smelling of another nugu's doodie? See my point? The next few minutes of my life at that point confirmed my realization that she was none other than Lucifer himself or at least one of his right hand minions...as when she opened her mouth, she simultaneously opened up the seventh circle of hell where regular evil things that we see in everyday life as we know it are used for perfume, as she cursed me out so vehemently that I actually felt my butt cheeks get paralyzed...I still to this day don't understand why my body reacted in this fashion, thereby cementing my suspicions of her supernaturalism. As she leaves...she decides to start throwing stuff at me...goes to the kitchen and opens the cupboard...and I start to laugh (stupid me) coz I know that we only have Styrofoam plates and cups..."not your smartest move Einstein", I think in my head, and I swear she hears me and I hear her telling me in my head that she heard me. As she leaves she whips around (or maybe it was just the head...I was too scared at this point to notice) and I hear this voice that no horror movie effect would even come close to replicating telling me that I was going to pay and after she called me a bitch, she left.

Now, you are probably asking, where does Chris's car come in into all this...some of you may have figured it out...some of you are thinking...man this is a long story...and yet some are thinking...is this a porno? Well, I'll answer the first question...the others...think what you will. Chris and I had the same exact car...a 2001 grand prix, both red...I had actually taken him to the same dealer that I had gone to and the idiot got the same car that I did...which pissed me off at the time but now I believe in this whole "blessing in disguise" hoopla. I had just sold mine and got my new car and this girl must have thought that it was mine parked out in the lot. So I walk past Chris and his girl...I tell him a sarcastic "pole" and as I leave them, I hear the girl starting to ask him questions on why someone would throw a brick through his windshield...and if he's been seeing other whores...and fearfully I smile knowing that he was going to be in the doghouse for a long time to come, but also knowing that she(it) was back....