One of Those Days...The Bathroom

So today I'm having one of those days...you know...the ones that end up having you feeling like you want to rip someone's head off and take a nice hot dump in their skulls, but you're so tired that all you can do if someone ticked you off is imagine them being stomped on by a rogue elephant (or is that just me?). Oh well, yes, that's the kind of day I'm having. I woke up today...and being Monday, I wasn't expecting anything much...I knew it was going to be a crappy day...all my mondays are...and sometimes I feel like the days are self aware...they do try to get worse as the months fly by. First of all, I don't know if any of you have ever had this...I know many of you have, but will never admit to it...I opened my eyes as I woke up, but I ended up opening up my eye...since the other eye, I guess was trying to get more sleep than the other eye and developed so much sleep crust on it that it felt like the bottom of a sufuria after pikaing ugali...so that was fun! Then I kwenda to look at the time...and because my brain had decided to lie to my hand to piga the snooze button like 4 million times I was now late...I had thirty minutes to prepare and go to school, which by the way is a good 45 minute drive from my house (anyone hear the mission impossible theme song?). So I get my lazy behind outta bed, but my leg apparently didn't get enough sleep...but it didn't let the rest of my body know that it hadn't clocked in at work...so I fall on the little desk beside my bed as I shift my weight to the leg and break my girlfriend's picture's frame, which by the way she had custom made for that particular photo...and I immediately assign three and a half hours of my life to the impending lecture that I'm going to get for doing such a terrible thing, that I'm being careless, thoughtless, loveless...pretty much every other -less that is sure to make me feel like I'm 4 inches tall and make my balls go so far up my stomach that they pop out right behind my neck. I then gather myself and I hope that the brain has sent my leg a memo threatening to fire it if it doesn't report to work immediately...and to my joy, it has. I go to the bathroom and I flick the light switch on...nothing...I try again, nothing...(kwani hii ni a bulb of darkness?) so I go to the closet to get a new one and come back to the bathroom and I weka the damn thing. Si then I get into the shower and I'm doing my business...then like halfway through it...I feel an absolutely magnificent wave of pain which I immediately recognized as that one which you feel when you're going to take a dump that at times my leave elephants in awe of you. So I'm pissed outta my mind at this moment coz I know that I'll have to take a shower all over again. I weka my leg out of the shower, but I don't want to step on the floor, so I reach kidogo to get to my sandal which was just a little bit far out...and as I go to toa the other foot, I slide like a mutha...and thank God for hands, coz if it weren't for them...let's just say that the side of the bathtub would have made sure that I sang soprano for the rest of my life (that's if I indeed sang). So I sit on the toilet, and I begin to immitate a woman in labor and I begin to fanya a series of pushes...nice light ones like the ones I'm used to...but why the hell would this go any better than what had already transpired during this particularly retarded morning ....noooo...nothing was happening! I immediately knew that I would have to dig down, call unto the deep, some reinforcements perhaps...and possibly get into some position that resembles some pose in an advance yoga class to free myself of what at this moment felt to be a marvelously mutated bowel movement from Satan himself. So I raise both my legs, spread them and kanyaga the wall infront of me...and at this time I can hear my std 6 teacher Mrs. Mucheru yelling at me telling me that I needed to pull up my socks if I wanted to succeed...damn that woman. I then proceed to give out one of those super pushes that leave you feeling light headed...mpaka the room starts to become white (you know you can't do it for too long ama you'll pass out coz you're not breathing) and I start to get excited coz I feel something happening...and then all of a sudden the look on my face confirms the feeling that my behind is beginning to feel...the feeling of an utterly horrific occurrence...it wasn't going to be a regular shit (that was the message that was being passed to my brain at this moment) ... this isn't meant to happen...I feel like I swallowed a shotput and it was coming out intact. So after a few super pushes and a few tear drops, the torture session is over...and I clean up and get up from the bowl and glance into it (shut up....you know we all do it!)...and I was kidogo dissappointed not to see a family of porcupines in the bowl, I was half sure I had just shat out one. Then back into the bathtub I go, fungua the shower to finish up...then after like 30 seconds, ice cold maji shoots out at me...kama it's a covert attack by little ice cold spaceships which are on a kamikaze mission and my body is the target. So my skin breaks out into millions of goosebumps (even the goosebumps had goosebumps) and my privates sought refugee status in my tummy, and they were granted that very permission...the only thing that's left sticking out is my ball sack, ball-less....and this is somehow funny to me (a ball-less ball sack), and a wry smile appears on my face. As I step out of the shower to dry myself, I see that half the towel is cold and wet, the damn shower curtain was partially open as I was showering. The closet with the rest of the towels is outside the bathroom and I don't want to go get another one coz I'm trying to avoid the little draft that is always outside the bathroom as you get out, especially being all wet. So, I'm thinking of whether to wipe myself with a wet towel or a face cloth, which can't even begin to cover half of my ass-cheek let alone dry my whole body... so I go with the wet towel, "it can't get any worse", I keep on thinking, but I couldn't have been further from the truth. Then turn around to brush my teeth, and for some reason, I half expect the toothbrush to be in the trash can, but there it is, right where I left it, and I let out a sigh of relief, which quickly got sucked back into my lungs...I was out of toothpaste, my idiot of a roommate had finyad that tube so much, it was almost inside out...just sitting there like it had a bad case of anorrexia...I almost felt bad for it, but my breath reminded me that I needn't feel bad for anything but the occupants of my mouth, I'd had some milk and cookies before bed the previous night...you guys who've had the milk after taste and breath know what I'm talking about...I was exhaling pure evil out of my mouth...every breath a sin in itself. So I went to option deux, the doggone generic mouthwash (my roomie had cheaped out when it was his turn to do the shopping) and this thing only said MOUTHWASH...meant to kill all germs... and any feeling or ability that your tongue may have had for like a whole hour. I felt like it was burning a hole in my mouth, and the label semad ati swivel it in your mouth for 30 seconds...and I'm like...I'm surprised I was able to get this thing in my mouth...this should be used to fight crime and stuff. After all this I'm done, and I get out of the bathroom (I couldn't wait) and I head back to my room to get ready...